Sick and hospitalised

It was a nightmare and i wish all these will be over real soon...

It all started last tuesday (01.04.08) when i noticed Ziqian napped longer than usual... he looks lethargic and didn't even wake up for his milk feeds. So i dream-feed him but apparently he had no appetite at all so only drank very little. His whole day consumption was only 500ml+ for that day, much lesser than his normal 900ml+... At night, i noticed he had the wheezing sound when he breathed and i sensed that something must be wrong coz he was not at his usual self and no smile at all when i put him in jumperoo and exersaucer..

We brought him to PD (Dr Terence Tan @ Mt Alvernia) on wednesday. Doc was very concerned about his lethargic behaviour and suspected he was attacked by RSV (respiratory syncytial virus) and suggested to admit him and monitor closely at hospital... I never felt so worried and helpless before, i was weeping all the while when hubby did the registration, the thought of admit my boy into hospital really scare me out... I kept hugging and kissing him, and assuring him that mummy is with him all the while...

We opted for 1-bedded ward coz he is very sensitive to noise and will always cry when he heard other babies cries.. But 1-bedded wards were all full house that day so we take the 2-bedded ward instead, he was warded in St Gabriel's ward room 222A... The next bed baby was very very poor thing, he was 8 mths old and with many tubes inserted on his arm... he was very petite in size also.. I believe he was feeling very insecure coz whenever he saw nurse, he will cry loudly and keep screaming... Doc visited my boy when we settled down and he gonna do the test that i most dread of, he gonna inserted tubes into my boy's nose and mouth to collect mucus specimen for tests.. He wrapped his body up and told us to hold his head and body as he foresee baby will struggle hard. It was too torturing for him and me, he shouted his lung out and i cried until i my vision was all blur. I kept talking to him and kept sayang him but i bet he can hear me at all... Im really guilty that i didn't protect him well and brought all these sufferings to him.. Im a lousy mummy...

The ward only allowed 1 parent to stay overnight so i was wi him all the while... I didn't even dare to close my eyes coz doc told that if baby got that terrible bacteria, one of the symptoms will be purplish lips... I didn't sleep throughout the night, just doze off once a while. I also expressed my breastmilk diligently in hospital coz i really wish to let my boy drinks more breastmilk to strengthen his immunity and fight off the bacteria... I really believe in willpower now, i was amazed i can express much more bm there and sufficient for my boy to be on bm fully...

Doc visited us next day and was given green light to discharge as baby has been drinking well... i was so happy! I really cant bear to stay any longer there, coz i saw many babies and kids wi drips, and tubes inserted on their arms, they cried so pitifully when given injections and medicines, it was too heartache... But he still needs to have nebulizer and antibiotic at home till 10.04.08 (he will be 6 months old then)... Doc told us that he will call us on the test result on friday (04.04.08). I was waiting for his call the whole day and getting more and more nervous... Actually Dear had already called Doc and got the result, baby was infected by 1 type of virus (influenza) and 1 type of bacteria (klebsiella pneumonia). The former was very very common and not a big issue but the latter one is more nasty and may turn aggressive if not treated earlier. Dear was very upset upon knowing the result and he didn't dare to break the news to me, he kept telling me that the report was not ready yet. But i received a call from Doc, he told me to collect another medicine from his clinic, so Dear couldn't hide it from me anymore and i knew it all... I was trembling when Doc told me about this and my mind was all blank, i kept asking him "is this serious? is it life-threatening" PLEASE! TELL ME IT'S OK, I WANT TO KNOW MY SON IS WELL, NOTHING SERIOUS IS HAPPENING TO HIM! I bet Doc could feel my anxiety and he assured me that it was controllable at the moment and we shall discuss further when we meet on Monday (07.04.08). Meanwhile, i can only pray for the best...

We observed Ziqian closely over the weekend, he was getting better, drinked his milk well and played well... But he was rather cranky, wanted to be carried all the while... Though it was tiring but i glad that he needed me, i kept cuddled him and sang to him, and praised him for being a brave boy who fight off the bacteria strongly! And mama is always with him, giving him whatever support i can. Just like his name - Anderson, he is a warrior in mummy's eyes :)

We followed up with Doc on Monday and was very relieved to hear that baby is doing fine now, he is recovering well... But it will take another 4-6 weeks for baby to fully recover coz of the very nasty bacteria... It's a big stone off my heart, having know that baby don't have to admit into hospital again... Thank God! I asked Doc how to prevent this bacteria, his answer is "cannot", we cannot prevent this at all coz it's airborne and babies' immunity system usually weak so more easily infected by this. He told me that his son and girl got it also at very young age... And he assured me that baby will get stronger through this and i really hope so...

I did lots of self reflection during these period and throughout the hospital stay, i hope i finally understand what makes a good mother. Whenever he is cranky now, i tell myself to have more patience with him... It was very challenging to feed him previously, he can put on a fight when it's milk time and i will insist he drinks his milk... Thanks to Dr Terence Tan on sharing of his parenting experiences. He said i have a stubborn, clever and strong will baby, he is my boss and i got to follow his drinking cue, if i force him to drink, he will retaliate more the next feed which is true... This is indeed a lesson learnt for me, i really love my son and i hope i can take care of him better and love him the way that he wants and not the way that i think its good for him but actually not...

* Ziqian, sorry that mama sometimes loss my patience towards you... Not knowing that you are unwell and thought that you are being cranky... I will learn to be a good mama for you... You are a brave boy and mummy very proud of u... Muacks :)